This was just too funny/true to not share. I really couldn’t find an appropriate photo…
A couple years into my medical residency, the stress of 105 hour work weeks, hospital food and too many carbohydrates caught up with me. . .
One memorable afternoon, I found myself calling my gastroenterologist because of blood exiting from an orifice where blood should not be exiting.
“It’s OK, Adam. We’ll get you taken care of,” he reassured me. “I’ve a cancelation tomorrow morning and I can squeeze you in to my endoscopy schedule. I’ve a garden hose with a camera on the end of it, and it has your name on it.”
I was light headed, but I was relieved.
“Go pick up a bottle of Magnesium Citrate, drink it all down. And, I will see you in the morning,” he instructed.
Being the good resident that I was, I followed his instructions to the letter.
What happens when you drink 10 oz. of Magnesium Citrate?
I’m so glad you asked . . .
12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun the 10 oz. bottle of the strangely un-fruity tasting liquid like it’s a lukewarm Power-Aide because you don’t want to be a pansy in front of your wife or your friends.
It’s suppose to be lemon flavored, however, it’s quite clear that whoever led the Wal-Mart R&D team on the day this flavor was approved has never actually tasted anything remotely like lemons in their life.
Hmm. . . You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You splurge, and down a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that special time IS HERE. And, if you studied 300 hours of anatomy and physiology, you know exactly what’s supposed to happen to that cupcake chaser.
It’s going to turn to liquid before it even clears your throat but you really don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. . .
However, hold on to that thought, because you’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of “movement.” The pressure is growing.
You know that you, and every other red blooded American on the planet, already have 3-5 lbs. of impacted stool in your colon, and you just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano.
You feel a movement coming on, finally. You think it’s time. . . You’re wrong.
You get a little snaked band of feculence . . . just a teaser, an appetizer, if you will.
And yet, beware . . . this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leave your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you started cooking 52 minutes ago is about to reach it’s boiling point.
Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it.
You have exactly three tenths of a second to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run . . . do not run.
I warn you now . . . NEVER run!
You pray to the Man Above that there is enough elasticity in your rectum to keep the gates closed for five more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time.
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary,…is this real life!??
Your cheeks barely hit the seat as all hell breaks loose.
The mixture coming out of your colon exits with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle, deflecting in every direction but down.
Is that blood? WHEW! NO, False alarm. Oh, wait, that’s the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving . . . when you were 5 years old.
The smell . . . Oh, the smell is horrid . . .the sound is deafening . . . the look on your spouse’s face is ghastly.
You try to clench what’s left of your rectal orifice to soften the blow but it’s just not working.
The whole house just heard you expel gas as if someone ignited a propane tank . . . followed by the sound of liquefied . . .
HOLY COW, what was that!??
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur.
You realize that you have pooped out everything you’ve ever eaten since the day of your birth. You’re quite sure you even passed things your ancestors ate in the early 1800’s.
Your rectum feels like a Flaming Hot Cheeto shedding the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds.
You curl up in the bathtub while ugly-crying, because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times.
The gastroenterologist never said anything about . . .
Whoa . . . “poop sweats?! REALLY?!!”
You have now experience the “poop sweats.”
And then . . .in your delirium, you think you meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours.
You’re broken. You’re quite sure that your rectum will never be the same again.
Your spirit’s broken. Life as you know it will never be the same.
However, . . . tomorrow’s a new day.
5:30am: You’re going to get up out of bed, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that does not have permanent racing stripes. And, you’re going to run up to the nearby Wal-Mart with the last shred of dignity you have left . . .
Before your endoscopy, you buy yourself a new toilet brush. You’ve earned it.
And, your wife refuses to let you come home without one.
Adam Nally, DO